The CPR story

The following is a true story. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent (and guilty).


Once upon a time in the land of Goobers there was an 8th grade Physical Education class. The teacher was a kindly older man with aspirations of expanding the minds of his young students. He carefully and thoughtfully made out his plans to maximize the amount of time the students would get to practice and yet still maintain control and safety of the class. One day the teacher thought it would be good for the students to know how to perform CPR, since they were causing so much stress in the kindly teachers life he was certain that at anytime his heart would explode from his escalating blood pressure. Knowing his students propensity for silliness (after all it was the land of Goobers) he was careful to lay out the CPR mannequins all in easy reach and in plane site. After the usually goofiness and snickering the class settled in and began to practice their CPR techniques. The kindly teacher was moving around among the students helping to perfect their skills. One student could not bring himself to practice the rescue breathing and kept laughing and trying to hold his breath when it came time to perform this skill on the mannequin. The teacher kept encouraging the young goober and finally after much coaxing and prodding the student finally completed the task. Later, the teacher found out that one of the other goobers had previously just farted over the face of the mannequin. The class continued without much more disruption until just before the end. While checking on the progress of one of the goobers the teacher noticed that it was time for the class to end and sent the students to get ready for their next class. He noticed that one student in particular seemed extremely eager to get to the bathroom but in the general chaos of gooberdom not anything too out of the ordinary. While preparing the mannequins for the next class of goobers the teacher noticed the floor around one of the mannequins was wet. Puzzled by this unknown puddle the teacher looked up to the ceiling to see if maybe a pipe was leaking. It was not raining, so it could not have come from a leak in the roof and the alcohol pads the class was using did not contain enough of the liquid to cause a puddle on the floor. What could it be? hmmmmmmm? Pressed for time the teacher did not have enough time to ponder long because a new group of goobers (is goobi plural for more than one goober?) would soon be coming in to the gym. As he was headed to the mop closet to prepare to clean the mysterious puddle, five of the goobers approached and told the teacher that "Goofus" (not his real name), the goober in a hurry to get to the bathroom, had urinated inside the mouth of the mannequin while the teacher was trying to help one of the other students. Stunned, all the teacher could say was "Thank you for telling me, now hurry to your next class so you will not be late.” The teacher removed the mannequin and placed it in a trash bag, cleaned the floor and sent for the assistant principal. When the assistant principal arrived the teacher told the story, gave him the names of the witnesses and the accused. Later "Goofus" admitted to the deed and received two weeks inhouse detention and was removed from the P.E. class for the rest of the year.

The moral of the story is “never let a goober/8th grader out of your sight”.

The end.